The Adventures Of Moony, Padfoot, and Harry
by I Love Snuffles
Summary: Baby Harry goes on an adventure! Poor Sirius and Remus. Always the misjudged babysitters, them.


A/N: I'd like to pretend that Peter is away on some D-eater mission (but nobody knows this - they think that he's in Hawaii with his grandmother) so that I don't have to put him in here. *smile, smile*  
  
Disclaimer: the author of this fan fiction owns nothing but any OCs that may crop up. Everything else belongs to J.K. Rowling, the author of the canon series, and Warner Bros., the weirdos who had the nerve to turn the books into movies. Not that I'm complaining, of course... well, okay, I am. But *I* can't choose the actors I want for my favorite characters, and there's nothing wrong with the two chosen, so... I guess, well... I can't complain... so I won't.. I think I'll shut up now, too...  
  
Summary: Baby Harry and Moony and Padfoot go on an adventure! This is an *AU*!! ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, AUTHOR'S UNIVERSE, ANTI-CANON UNDER-WORLD, WHATEVER A.U. STANDS FOR, THIS AIN'T EVEN *CLOSE* TO THE CANON, SO SHOO! There's probably OOC-ness too, so...  
  
Part one in a trilogy, I think... I hope. I dunno...  
  
.  
  
~  
  
.  
  
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the WAAAAAY!! OH what FUUUUUUUUUUN it is to RIIIIIIIDE on a ONE-HORSE open SLEEEEEIGH!!" Deep breath. "DASHING through the SNOOOOOOW on a one horse open SLEEEEIIIGH! Over the hills we GOOOOOOOO laughing all the WAY-"  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
"BELLS AND BOBTAILS RIIIIIIIIING! Making spiiritssss BRIIIIGHT"  
  
"Sirius, please..."  
  
"OH what fun it is to ride and sing a SLEIGH-ING song to night - OOOOOOHHHHHHH-"  
  
"SIRIUS, SHUT UP!!"  
  
"Huh?" Sirius looked over at Remus and pushed his head phones down around his neck, turning off the CD player as well; the blaring music coming from the ear-pieces stopped abruptly. "Sorry, didn't catch that. Could you repeat what you just said, please?"  
  
Remus sighed, pulling the car he was driving into Lily and James's drive- way. He was already seriously regretting giving Sirius his Christmas present early; the guy played Christmas songs twenty-four seven, and insisted on singing along to them.  
  
Remus turned off the engine, and then turned toward Sirius, deliberately unbuckling his seatbelt slowly.  
  
"Sirius, my dearest friend, do you remember the last time we saw Lily and James?"  
  
Sirius thought this over for a moment.  
  
"Yes," he said truthfully.  
  
"Tell me, do you remember what Lily and James were like?"  
  
"Ummm....."  
  
~FLASHBACK~  
  
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! HARRY WOULD STILL BE ASLEEP IF YOU HADN'T COUGHED- "  
  
"I WOULDN'T HAVE COUGHED IF YOU HADN'T MADE ME INHALE MY OWN SPIT-"  
  
"AND WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE OUR GUESTS THINK OF US HERE, ARGUING? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY THINK, THEY THINK THAT YOU'RE AN ABUSIVE LITTLE B-"  
  
"NO THEY THINK THAT *YOU'RE* A LITTLE PRAT WITH S-"  
  
"SIRIUS AND REMUS DON'T THINK THAT!! THEY THINK THAT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE WHAT THE H-"  
  
"SIRIUS AND REMUS THINK THAT YOU THOUGHT MAYBE OF HAVING A BABY, AND THEN DROPPING IT ON *ME* EVERY TIME IT STARTED CRYING!!"  
  
"WHY YOU LITTLE-"  
  
"WWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"  
  
"AUGH! HARRY!"  
  
"DON'T SCREAM AT THE BABY! HE'S GOT AS MUCH RIGHT TO CRY AS THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS!!"  
  
"DON'T SCREAM AT *ME*!! HE'S MY SON AS WELL AS YOURS!!"  
  
"WHY I OUGHTTA-"  
  
~END FLASHBACK~  
  
"No. No, not really," Sirius said.  
  
Remus stared the animagus down. Then he said, "I hope you learn a lesson. Christmas is in one week and you'll have to grow a brain before then, Sirius, I'm sorry..."  
  
"But, but, but - I'm too young!"  
  
"There, there. Everybody has to use more than two percent of the brain at some point..."  
  
Sirius buried his face in his hands.  
  
"I was thinking," Remus went on unconcernedly, "that as an early Christmas present for Lils and Prongs, we could-"  
  
"I am NOT giving away my Kee-Dee player and set-phones!" Sirius cried, hiding his own early present.  
  
"And I am not giving away my car," Remus continued, ignoring Sirius's hissed reply.  
  
"What I meant, was, we could give them a vacation."  
  
"Vacation?" Sirius seemed more keen on conversation now that he knew his headphones and CD player wouldn't be given away. "What kind of vacation? Where?"  
  
Remus produced an envelope. "This," he said, "contains two young adult tickets for the All Star Wizarding Parent Vacation Festival in Japan. It ends on Christmas Eve, so that'd be a nice week for Lily and James."  
  
"The A.S.W.P.V.F.?" Sirius asked, jaw dropping. "Moony, do they even qualify?"  
  
"All parents qualify, Padfoot. It's a festival for parents. International. Expensive. But Lily and James deserve it."  
  
"How so?" Sirius asked, cocking his head and blinking. "C'mon, name one reason that points to the fact that they can go on a free vacation."  
  
"Hmm," Remus frowned, though the question needed very little thought. "Sirius, do you remember the first week after Harry's birth? When you were christened Godfather?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah! I remember that! Hah, it was funny, Lily's face was the same color as her hair, she was so angry and tired, and James was all the same color and there were bags under their eyes and they were all angry at the current Muggle baby-sitter for, um, for....... yeah, they deserve a vacation."  
  
Remus frowned. "You know, she wouldn't have dropped Harry if you hadn't grabbed her arse-"  
  
"Hey, you don't come across cute brunettes every day, Remus, it's a known fact. Anyway, I'm hungry - can we go in already?" Sirius pointed at the house in front of them. Remus nodded, and they both opened their doors and stepped out.  
  
Or, more accurately, Remus stepped out and slammed his door shut, and Sirius made an odd choking noise as he had forgotten to unbuckle his seatbelt.  
  
But in the end they both made it up to Lily and James's front door with a box each, and Remus knocked lightly.  
  
"Oh, Remus, they're not going to hear that," Sirius sighed. "Here." He shoved his box into Remus's arms. "THIS is how you knock!" and that said, he pounded on the door hard enough to brake it down.  
  
The noise was greeting with a baby's cried from somewhere on the second floor, and Lily and James's tired voices chorused with anger; their thundering footsteps could be heard coming threateningly toward the door.  
  
Sirius made an odd sound close to "Meep!" and snatched both teetering boxes from Remus before scuttling back down the front steps.  
  
The door opened; Lily and James stood there, towering figured with shadowed eyes and tired natures; the child's cries ceased as a baby-sitter obviously was there too, tending to him.  
  
Strangely enough, they both calmed down upon sight of Remus and Sirius.  
  
"Come on in," Lily croaked, thumbing back toward the living room. James held the door open for Sirius and Remus while they walked in, and the moment he slammed it shut -  
  
"WAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"  
  
"THAT DOES IT!" A feminine voice shrieked, and who must've been the baby- sitter came down the stairs, stopping at the door.  
  
"What does it?" James croaked/asked while Remus and Sirius watched and Lily came back through.  
  
"THAT KID IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE CARE OF!" the old woman was now shoving on her coat ((she was Muggle, apparently)) and grabbed her bag. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR "oh, we'll pay you later" AND "don't worry, your pay should come soon... Harry is a sweetheart, really" WELL I'M TIRED OF IT!"  
  
"No," James cried, falling to his knees and literally groveling. "No! please! We need you!"  
  
"Please don't go," Lily begged anxiously.  
  
The old ex-baby-sitter sniffed and yanked the door open. "Good Day." She snapped, and slammed the door behind her.  
  
Harry's cries intensified.  
  
In the silence (filled with a baby's screams) that followed, Lily and James slowly turned to look at each other.  
  
At first, Remus and Sirius together mused that they looked five times their ages, and were about to cry.  
  
Then they looked suddenly murderous and five times their size.  
  
"You," Lily snarled under her breath. "this is all YOUR fault!"  
  
"MY fault?" James snarled back, getting almost shakily to his feet. He began thumping down the hall and up the stairs with Lily, both of them arguing all the way; Remus and Sirius followed, dropping the boxes at the entrance to the kitchen.  
  
"Yes, YOUR fault!" Lily practically screamed. "HARRY WOULD BE ASLEEP IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR FRIENDS!"  
  
"MY FRIENDS? OH, SO NOW IT'S THEIR FAULT? NO, I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM!"  
  
"MY PROBLEM?! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT HARRY-" a finger was pointed at a crib across the small room they had entered "IS YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE!"  
  
"HOW SO?" James snarled; both of their voices were rising remarkably higher than Harry's.  
  
"IT'S *YOUR* FAULT WE DIDN'T HAVE A SWEET LITTLE GIRL! YOUR CHROMOSOME! NOT MINE!"  
  
"WELL EXCUSE ME, MRS. I'M-SO-"  
  
Sirius and Remus smartly tuned out (though this was extremely hard to do) and scuttled across the room toward Harry's crib.  
  
And though the baby boy's face was scrunched up with the effort of screaming, his cheeks and eyes were quite dry.  
  
"Why, that little-" but Sirius's voice was rather impressed-sounding. He leaned down into the crib and patted Harry's tiny mop of silky black hair. "That a boy, Harry! Make your Godfather proud!"  
  
"Sirius!" Remus snapped. Their heads were close together so that they could hear over the Family of Three. "We need to help Lily and James relax, not kill each other!"  
  
"I'm surprised they haven't killed Harry," Sirius mused, reaching down and picking the squalling baby up under the arms. "Isn't that right, Harry?" he asked, settling the baby on his hip, over his black leather jacket. He adopted the same voice adults use with young toddlers. "Driving your parents in a mental oblivion - why, I simply cannot express how proud of you I am!"  
  
Harry blinked up at him in a rather bemused way, sighing and rubbing his eyes with one fist.  
  
"I bet you don't even remember when I almost killed you on accident?"  
  
Harry grinned.  
  
"Alright! You're a pretty good kid, I can't wait to teach you everything I know!"  
  
"Hey," Remus said slowly. "It's all of a sudden really quiet..."  
  
Both young men turned around to look at Lily and James, who were staring at the trio with dropped jaws.  
  
"Want your baby?" Sirius asked cheerfully, offering Harry to them at arm's length. Harry seemed to find this extremely funny.  
  
"How - how - how?" James stammered while Lily slowly moved forward to accept the giggling baby into her arms.  
  
"Heh - the little guy wasn't even crying," Sirius said proudly, as though he had just accomplished the impossible. "Anyway, I'm hungry. What's for lunch?"  
  
~THAT AFTERNOON, AFTER LUNCH~  
  
"Hey, Lily, James," Remus said when they had finished setting up the Christmas tree. "Sirius and I wanted to give you two an early present."  
  
"I'll love you forever if it's a sleeping draught," Lily said, offering a weak-and-tired smile. Remus took a now sleeping Harry from her while James said, "I wouldn't need a draught."  
  
"Here," Remus continued, holding Harry with one arm whilst handing James the envelope with the other.  
  
Lily and James leaned against each other, murmuring thanks as they managed to get the envelope opened by working together. Remus sat on the floor next to Sirius (who was playing with the tree lights, staring at them in exceptional awe) and balanced Harry.  
  
A moment of silence...  
  
"REMUS! SIRIUS! I LOVE YOU!" Lily was suddenly upon the said men, hugging them tightly and for once ignoring her son's cries. James looked to be crying himself, a stupid grin on his face.  
  
"Tickets for the A.S.W.P.V.F. for free - and we'd be back in time for Christmas - I can't thank you enough!"  
  
"Er, s'nothing," Sirius choked, unable to breathe in Lily's embrace.  
  
Lily released Remus and Sirius, and reached for Harry, giving him to James.  
  
Her smile slowly slid off her face.  
  
"Wait," she said softly. "Who will watch Harry? We can't leave him here alone, and we can't bring him with us..."  
  
"Oh..." James sighed as Harry calmed down, fussing for the floor. Once his father had put him down, Harry began to make some unsteady steps off toward the tree.  
  
"Why can't we just get a free baby-sitter?" Lily asked, voice breaking from a yawn.  
  
"Well, we can, but for some reason we can't get one to stay long enough to actually baby-sit him. And anyway, who would want to spend an entire week right before Christmas with Harry Potter?"  
  
There was an abrupt all mighty crash as Harry fell on his rear, giggling at the tree and everything on it as they scattered across the living room floor. He held up the lights cord innocently.  
  
"But," Sirius asked, "who wouldn't want to spend an entire week with my Godson?" He reached over and plucked Harry off the ground.  
  
Lily and James both sighed.  
  
"It was a nice gift," James muttered, leaning back and closing his eyes.  
  
"Too bad," Lily mumbled, features drooping.  
  
"We wouldn't mind," Remus said instantly.  
  
"What?" James and Lily chorused, looking first at each other before looking at Remus. Sirius ignored them, bouncing a laughing Harry up and down in the air.  
  
"I said, Sirius and I wouldn't mind watching Harry for you," Remus repeated with a small smile.  
  
Again, James and Lily looked at each other, and then both looked at Sirius, just as Harry kicked him in the nose, causing him to shout and drop the baby, who flounced on the broken tree and crawled to his feet, picking up a glass ornament and accidentally throwing it, causing it to shatter. He laughed almost maniacally.  
  
Sirius clutched his nose, which was bleeding.  
  
Once more, Lily and James looked at each other before James pulled out his wand and fixed the tree and room, and Lily yanked Sirius's hands away from his nose, using her own wand to fix the damage her son had caused.  
  
"It was a nice gift," James repeated wistfully.  
  
"No, really," Remus pushed, though his voice was slightly less strong now. "Sirius and I will watch Harry for you."  
  
Sirius froze, and slowly looked over at Remus, who stared determinedly back. Sirius's face contorted with what must have been anger, and he opened his mouth as if to shout-  
  
"That's a great idea, Remus!" Sirius cried, face brightening to an extent that caused Harry to make a small noise and shield his eyes.  
  
Everybody (except Sirius and Harry) fell over.  
  
"No," Lily said, "you two don't have any experience. You can't change his diapers or feed him or not destroy the house!"  
  
"Harry's a handful, you two wouldn't survive." James finished, nodding resolutely. But his face transformed. "It *is* a nice gift," He said, a note of dawning comprehension in his voice.  
  
"Was," Lily corrected quickly. "It *was* a nice gift, James."  
  
"But - dear - maybe if we were to, well, you know... new parents... we deserve a break..."  
  
"James," she said in a warning tone. "I will not leave Harry alone with Remus and Sirius."  
  
"Honey - they're both responsible - and those tickets are really hard to come by... the trouble Sirius and Remus must have gone through to get them! And you want to throw their efforts away just like that?" He had said the magic words.  
  
"Oh," Lily chewed her lip. "Well, I guess... but it's such a big responsibility..."  
  
"Don't worry," Remus said quickly. "Harry will be safe with us!"  
  
Sirius nodded emphatically. He reached over and picked up Harry from where he had been heading toward the hallway. "We'll be Harry's mummy and daddy while you two are away!"  
  
Remus gave Sirius a strange look.  
  
"Well..." Lily frowned slightly. "Well, I guess..."  
  
"That settles it!" James said happily, jumping to his feet and clapping his hands. "Let's see, the tickets say we should leave tonight..."  
  
"Don't catch a cold," Lily began instantly while James chattered happily. "And we'll leave you as much Muggle money as possible. Just in case. Try not to use magic too much, this is a Muggle neighborhood, not a witch or wizard around for miles..."  
  
"Oh, there'll be dancing, and kimonos, and apples dipped in caramel.." James continued.  
  
"And I'll brief you on feeding and diaper changing right now..." Lily said anxiously.  
  
"And some of the best music ever, and we'll be honored for our constant vigilance in putting up with Harry, and..." James went on.  
  
Harry stared at his parents.  
  
Remus and Sirius looked at each other, fixed grins on their faces.  
  
AND SO BEGAN Sirius's and Remus's Pre-Christmas Week... 


End file.
